31 in 31 mediation, positions and interests

Mediation – Positions and Interests - #15

Since I see mediation as a question of transitions and transformations of thinking and thus feeling, it is important to point out a crucial aspect of what mediation does. It moves a person from a fixed position where the position is defended to a far deeper place where the real interests, needs and wishes of a person reside. A classic example that often occurs spontaneously of this shift happens to almost all parents when they have teenagers, Let’s make it more interesting and also realistic and give the teenager a driver’s license. The agreement is that the teenager will be home by 10PM. 10PM comes and goes with no phone call. The parents begin to get edgy and finally angry. “We should not have trusted her or he should have called no matter what.” And then the position emerges, he cannot have the car for a week or a month or until he is 18.. Now 11PM comes and the parents are nervous about the child being hurt or worse. The position, in and of itself, softens and the parents become aware of their deeper interests. They love their child and want him or her to be safe. This is NOT a position because it does not specify how or what. That means there are many ways this safety can be achieved. The parents also want to be able to live without anxiety every time the child takes the car. This again is not a position but a deeper interest. All is somehow made well when at 11:30PM, there is phone call explaining that the cell phone ran out of juice and there was a minor accident with no way to inform them. The child is highly distressed and there will be a lot to talk about at home. Through directed conversation, the goal of mediation is to reach a space where positions can soften and deeper interests can emerge. Then it is the parties themselves that can reach resolution.